ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
