dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
