someone get that fucking seahorse.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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