My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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