As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
