dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
