for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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