I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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