he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
