My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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