were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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