is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
