my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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