I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
