you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
