im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
