I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
