Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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