Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
