Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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