That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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