dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
