Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
