It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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