Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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