I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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