Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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