Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
