sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think your dad took our porno
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
