just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
