Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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