My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize