Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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