Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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