omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
