i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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