If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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