grandma shit on top of the toilet
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
