Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
