Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
