i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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