Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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