I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
