I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
