I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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