meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is wine microwaveable?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
