you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
