just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
