I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
