I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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