I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
