all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize