He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
