so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
