apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
